Limerence?

I just recently learned this term and have been on an information dive ever since. Just a disclaimer: this is just MY OWN experience. I am not a professional in the slightest, so please do not take this as anything more than anecdote.

What is this thing called "limerence"?

According to the source of all internet knowledge Wikipedia, it’s a state of mind resulting from a romantic attraction to another person. It typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one’s feelings reciprocated. It can also be defined as an involuntary state of romantic desire.

For so long, I joked about how I used to be a “monogamous crusher” and then after I got diagnosed with ADHD, I referred to these intense crushes of mine as “hyperfocus” crushes. Now I have a seemingly more scientific name for this! 

“Big deal Laura, everyone has had a crush at some point!”

Well yes, but I was weird and limerence is more than just a "OMG he's so cute" crush. For some reason, I thought that being “boy crazy” and thinking more than one boy was cute was something “bad girls” did. So, I developed this weird rule of only liking one boy at a time while also pretending that I had no interest in the opposite sex whatsoever. Like I said, I WAS WEIRD! 

It also didn’t help that most guys either found me annoying (they weren't wrong) or were indifferent to me. There were also the creepy guys who pretended to be in love with me just to see me react in self righteous indignation. I put on a good show of not craving male approval (or so I thought), but my teenage hormones craved approval from good-looking boys. I was a "pick me" girl before it was a thing.

But when a cute boy was nice to me, I fell fast and hard. Oh of course, I should just be friends with him first, but I should also be extra nice to him so that he has a reason to love me back! 

Well, my intensity in being extra nice was overwhelming to the aforementioned cute boy. When he got a girlfriend, I worked very hard to move on. It was not easy, and I did make mistakes that still make me cringe to this day.

Logic eventually won. So did moving far, far away for college.

You'd think a girl would learn...

In case it isn't obvious, I didn't date in high school. Part of that was because my parents didn’t want us dating out of our religion (we are Mormons). There were no boys my age in my local congregation and I was the only Mormon in my high school graduating class of over 700. 

I went to Brigham Young University, and had *very* high hopes of having a robust dating life. After all, I was going to be around THOUSANDS of handsome Mormon boys and I wouldn’t have to try converting them over to my religion.

Pssssst....never try to convert a potential romantic interest to your religion. Not that I ever tried to do that….*whistles innocently*

Needless to say, I felt lied to after I got to BYU. It was pretty much the same story--guys either found me annoying or were indifferent. I also had a talent for attracting those who (like me) had such a low self esteem that they fell in love with the first girl who was friendly to them. Unfortunately, it took me an embarrassingly long time to develop the self awareness to realize why I attracted these kinds of guys.

A few well-meaning people suggested things I could do to attract more male interest: straighten my frizzy hair (it was the early 2000s, after all), feign interest in football, etc. Apparently it was too much to hope for a potential romantic interest who enjoyed the fine arts and didn't care for football.

Then I did meet a cute, nice boy who had similar nerdy interests. We could talk for hours, and we became good friends. Because I thought there would never ever be another boy like him, I fell for him too. I would analyze his words, body language, emails, etc. to see if there was ANY sign that the feelings were mutual. We did go on dates, usually initiated by me in some fashion in the beginning (this should have been a big fat clue). He also had talent for ghosting. He would be very communicative (phone, email, Facebook messages, etc.) for a period of time, only to completely disappear without explanation. This should have been yet another clue that this wasn’t going to go anywhere and I should just move on, but….no. 

We finally had the “we’re just friends” conversation. I still held out hope that would change (big mistake, don't do this) but eventually I worked tirelessly to move on during an especially long period of radio silence. I thought I was successful too, until he randomly popped back into my life. Without going into excruciating detail, this did not end well at all.

I found out from my dive into Google that limerence can last for years, and the individual can be completely aware that the feelings are irrational and work hard to move on, but be unable to. The average is three years, but on rare occasion, they can last decades (yikes). There are even online support groups for people experiencing limerence, because of course there are.

So how does this even relate to ADHD?

I think in my case, my experience with limerence was the result of low self esteem from growing up with undiagnosed and untreated depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I felt unlovable and was pretty much ocnvinced that everyone secretly disliked me on some level (I still struggle with this to some extent). All it took was a decent looking guy being nice to me to fall in love and become obsessed.

Limerence can also be related to OCD and other mental illnesses.

“Hey Laura, aren’t you married?”

Why yes I am, and have been happily married for almost 12 years. How did I manage to get married at all with my history of self-loathing and unhealthy obsession? That’s another post altogether, so stay tuned!

Some links (not all scientific) to read up on this phenomonenon

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/limerence-obsessive-love-meaning

https://livingwithlimerence.com/a-limerence-quiz/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-young-and-the-restless/201109/limerence-when-is-it-more-heartbreak

https://medium.com/game-of-self/when-a-crush-becomes-an-obsession-the-signs-of-limerence-48ec41cd7f2e

It's Executive Dysfunction

It's executive dysfunction

That is my self destruction.

Tasks that others just simply do

Are impossible to get through

Wanting to is not the question

It's not a lack of instruction

Please do not make that assumption

Do not tell me to just "push through"

It's executive dysfunction

I know there are repercussions

No need for more discussion

How to change, oh I wish I knew

Because then I wouldn't be blue

Over having this malfunction

It's executive dysfunction

I am a mother with ADHD (a sonnet)

I am a mother with ADHD

Overly permissive or too severe

I can never find what is in between

Routine I can never seem to adhere

Confusion is our normal way of life

The children never know what to expect

Why couldn't I be a more normal wife?

Maybe then everything could be perfect

But perfect is simply a fairy tale

This is something I easily forget

And yet I keep seeking this holy grail

This journey always causes me to sweat

I am trying to find a good middle

Finding it, though, is such a hard riddle

Hakuna Matata or: meditating with my five-year-old daughter

 Scene: It is a Saturday afternoon, and I am feeling a bit off. I decide that a guided meditation would help me get centered and think more clearly. So, I go into my bedroom, sit down, and choose a track on my Calm app (I have a subscription and it’s worth every penny, but I digress) 

I forgot to close the door, and as we all know, Mom sitting quietly is an invitation for questioning. My five-year-old (called Ladybug here) is no exception.

Ladybug walks up to me and asks, “Mommy, what are you doing?” 

In between deep breaths and trying to keep myself centered, I try to explain the concept of meditation to her. 

Me: “Mommy is taking deep breaths and slowing down.”

Ladybug: “Why are you taking deep breaths and slowing down?”

Me: “It’s to help me be calm.”

Ladybug: “Why to help you be calm, Mommy?”

Me: “So I can be a better mommy.”

I take more deep breaths while listening to the speaker’s instructions.

Ladybug: “Why be a better mommy, Mommy?”

I have to chuckle. I know I’m my own worst critic, though apparently my self-criticism tends to be more extreme than the average person's (working on that in therapy). I’ve made lots of mistakes as a parent and I try to own up to as many of them as possible. Somehow, my girls still think I’m doing okay, at least most of the time.

Ladybug climbs into my lap and rests her head on my chest. I feel her soft hair under my chin, and smile with contentment, thinking this is how the rest of my meditation will go. But as quickly as she gets on my lap, she hops off in search of a Rice Krispie treat. They’re in the pantry, easily within her reach (yes on purpose; don’t judge me)

“I’ll be right back!” she declares while running down the hall. Indeed, she does come back, and wants me to unwrap her chosen snack. I do this, again, with my eyes still closed. She climbs back onto my lap, snuggles back into my chest while eating her snack. I wrap my arms around her and rest my cheek on her hair, while still listening to my meditation which is aptly titled “Hakuna Matata”. 

This entire scene unfolds in less than ten minutes.

Part 2: College and Beyond!

College was another beast. I struggled. A lot. I had more than one college professor say, “You’re clearly smart, what the heck is going on?!” I had no explanation.

I started going to the college counseling center, where I found out that I had anxiety. I got talk therapy for two years, and I guess it was better than nothing. Did I mention that I got on Academic Warning not once, but TWICE?! 

“Laura, you’re better than this!” I would tell myself. I would also wonder, “But...am I really better than this? Maybe I am just stupid.”

I somehow managed to graduate from college in four years with undertreated mental health issues and undiagnosed ADHD. My GPA was mediocre and I had been in academic trouble more than once, but I somehow graduated. How did I manage this? Part of it was probably extreme stubbornness and my eagerness to prove myself. The other part was possibly privilege--my parents could afford to pay my tuition and I didn’t have to worry about keeping a scholarship.

Then I got married literally the day after my college graduation. During the Recession too!

Beyond College

The Recession and my mediocre college performance made finding a job after graduating that much harder. I didn't have enough experience for the professional jobs (also, I don't interview well at all), but I was overqualified for jobs that didn't require a college degree. Of course, there were some people who thought I was being too picky and not trying hard enough and putting too much on my husband. That did WONDERS for my self esteem.

I finally did find a part-time job nearly a year after I graduated, only to get laid off a few months later. As luck would have it, I ended up becoming a nanny to a sweet four-year-old boy who lived in my building. This job would be a blessing in countless ways, and we're still in touch with him and his family. He's in high school now, and we affectionately refer to him as our practice child.

Despite the fact that we lived in a one-bedroom apartment and we didn't have any young kids running around (except for the little boy I watched), I struggled to keep up on chores. Every task felt insurmountable. It only got worse when I became pregnant. I never got that second trimester burst of energy that everyone talked about--I was just extremely depressed. It was during my first pregnancy that I finally started taking antidepressants, which did help.

When my first daughter was almost two years old, I decided to go back to therapy. This time, I found out I had moderate depression, severe anxiety (even while medicated), and symptoms of PTSD. I started doing EMDR, which I HIGHLY recommend. I was able to make peace with some things and I was better able to manage my depression and anxiety.

Despite the psychotherapy and antidepressants, however, I still struggled with basic daily living. Adding kids to the mix only made it harder. Housekeeping was still an unending battle and the clutter was taking over. I could have a really good day/week where I would be on top of everything, and then I would fall into a deep depression where I couldn’t do anything. Now I know that those “good” days were actually me forcing a lot of energy into being “normal”.

Parenting was also difficult, especially learning how to set and maintain reasonable behavior boundaries. I could be a fairy godmother one day and a rigid taskmaster the next. There was also dealing with kids' big emotions.

You think I have what?

My mom was the one who suggested I could have ADHD. Apparently, she brought it up more than once over the years, and I shot the idea down multiple times (I actually don’t remember this, but I’ll take her word for it). Then one night, she sent me a comic by ADHD Alien and that’s when I finally started to see it. Of course, I protested the idea at first, but after searching “women with ADHD” on Google, I looked into getting tested. I literally googled “adult ADHD testing near me” and that’s how I found the clinic where I got evaluated.

I worried that I wouldn’t be taken seriously or that I would be accused of drug seeking (since many ADHD drugs are controlled substances). I am incredibly fortunate that this was not the case for me. I was relieved when the clinician confirmed that I did indeed have inattentive ADHD. 

Now what?

Just when I got my diagnosis and felt like I was figuring out how to manage my ADHD, COVID-19 happened and the world seemed to end. My husband was working out of our bedroom. I was trying to get my kids to do distance learning and keep them reasonably entertained since school and playdates were not happening. I was reminded that I definitely need quite a bit of alone time to recharge because I was getting ZERO time to myself.

Figuring out my meds during a pandemic was also lots of fun. My NP and I seem to have figured out the right medication and dosage, and now I feel like I'm in a pretty good place that way. While I know some people take breaks from their meds, I do not. I'm a mom, and never off the clock, and I experience withdrawal in the worst possible way when I don't have my medicine, and I'm not even on that high of a dose. It's just better for me to take it everyday.

I think the hardest part right now is accepting myself for who I really am and to stop trying to force myself to fit into the neurotypical mold. There's also learning how to make my life work with me and my ADHD.

In many ways, I feel as though I'm having to re-figure out who I actually am. What am I actually good at? How do I make the most of my strengths? Do I have any strengths? Oh Laura, of course you have strengths, you just need to be patient in discovering them.

Maybe writing this blog will help. As long as I can maintain some kind of consistency 😜

My ADHD Story: Part 1

Hi, my name is Laura. I’m a thirtysomething mother of two and I have ADHD. This is my story *Law and Order dun dun*

Talk to me

I was born in Japan and my family moved to Texas when I was just eighteen months old. I was an energetic, almost danger-seeking toddler. At the time, my parents thought it was because I was trying to keep up with my older brothers. Now we wonder if I was a sensory seeker.

When I was three, I was still not talking (and was quite frustrated about it, apparently), but now I could actually be evaluated for this speech delay. It was eventually determined that I had suffered some hearing loss due to multiple ear infections probably caused by a condition called otitis media with an effusion. Several rounds of antibiotics helped restore my hearing and I started talking.

Because I was speech delayed, I qualified for special education services through my school district. I went to a special education preschool, and then I went to mainstream kindergarten with speech services. I had speech therapy until second grade, which was when I was placed in Resource for some subjects because I struggled in my mainstream classroom. Of course, this was all easily assumed to be because of my early speech issues rather than ADHD. It was the 90s, after all.

Although I did not have an ADHD diagnosis, I was receiving some of the same services as some kids who did have a diagnosis. While there came a point when I realized there was a stigma around going to Resource, I now realize that these classes were quite beneficial because they showed me how well I could do when I had the right kind of help. 

Silence isn’t always golden

My family moved into an inner city school district the summer before I started seventh grade. By that point, I was mostly mainstreamed except for test taking. My new school district didn’t care one bit about my history, so there was zero talk of accommodations. This district was a literal testing ground for No Child Left Behind (no really, it was) and already had its own problems. 

In some ways, I thought this was a blessing. I could have a fresh start. Back in my suburban district, teachers seemed to find every reason to take off points for behavior. Forgot your pencil? Points off! Didn’t get random spelling homework signed? No recess for a week! Okay, that only happened with one teacher and only one time, but you get the idea. 

The new school district seemed just happy if students showed up regularly. 

In this environment, I became “the quiet kid” and the teachers LOVED me. All I did was behave myself and do my work. Because of my status as the good kid, teachers were happy to help me whenever I needed it. After my sophomore year of high school, I decided I wanted to try a few advanced placement classes because my regular classes had become too  easy, and I wanted to look good for college applications.

You know how my “quiet kid” label was good for my previous classes? Yeah, that was not going to fly in these supposedly college-level courses. We got graded for participating in class discussions, sometimes for as much as a test grade. No pressure here! I could have changed my mind and switched out of these classes, but I was so determined to prove myself (trauma response, anyone?)

There was also the note taking. I had a hard time paying attention to the teacher AND taking notes. How do you take notes when a teacher is talking? What do you write down? How do you decide what’s important enough to write down? These are just a few of the thoughts that went through my head when trying to take notes. Let’s just say I could never be a court stenographer. 

Next up: college and beyond!

Hello world!

Here is my first post on this blog. I doubt anyone will be reading this anytime soon, but I don't feel right having an empty blog space here.

I've been blogging in some form for long time, back in the old Xanga days (does that site even exist anymore?). I've done personal blogging, family blogging, attempted homemaking blogging, curly hair blogging, etc. 

In case you can't tell by the name of this blog, I have ADHD. I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was almost 33 years old, and well, it explains pretty much everything. For the last year, I've been trying to make sense of the brain I've had all along but knew nothing about. There has been relief, grief, anger, ah-ha moments, frustration, etc. 

Writing is an outlet I keep coming back to, and this blog is mostly meant as a personal, creative outlet for me. I'll write about living with ADHD, coming to terms with ADHD, things I'm trying, curly hair stuff, weird creative writing attempts, and maybe talk about hobbies and family here and there. 

If you're here for the ride, welcome! It may be bumpy and confusing, but I hope you'll stick around.